Happiness Guilt

During the last eighteen months there were many such mornings when I woke up as happy and guilty! Being afloat in momentary bubbles of happiness only to fall hard on the floor of guilt.

The pandemic has forced us to stay at home. Connect with nature through our balconies. Meet friends and family on video calls. Life the way we knew has changed overnight. Lockdown, quarantine and new normal are what we were getting used to. For someone like me whose eyes would light up hearing words like travel and vacation; I had to forget the idea of stepping out of my door. Every morning the first turn of newspaper would tell us the growing count of lost jobs, hospital chaos and lost lives. Television would show vivid images of the struggle and panic. Daily reminders on the lessons of sacrifice and self-sabotage; the cornerstone of learning in our growing up years. Being raised in an Indian middle class family we were taught to prioritize others over self and it does not feel right to be happy while the world is in so much pain. Am I doing enough for the world around me? How can I be baking an apple pie and be as happy as Larry? Am I a self satisfying smug ? Clouds of questions cover the blue sky.

I have a healthy family, have our jobs, food on the table and a comfortable bed to sleep. Isn't it only fair to be happy? Would a sad me make this world a happy place? It's decided then, every time I am finding myself surrounded by those strange feeling of guilt I will shake it off. Being thankful is the least I can do return the love of family and friends. Every sunrise is a renewed opportunity to be a better me and I cannot be one while swimming trough the ocean of guilt. Hence, while the daily routine as we knew had changed a lot; I have been catching those effervescent moments in midst of bland days. Renewed friendships, moments of laughter with family and joy of learning something new. The art of baking and engaging in deep discussion with little sous chef as he would sit on the kitchen counter top to patiently wait to lick the bowl after mixing the cake batter. We would practice our newly learnt Spanish phrases as we try the fresh baked pastel de chocolate!